This is my sixth blog. That’s a lot of blogs. The other five are private at this point, but holy hell. Six is a lot. I become annoyed with myself every time I read a post from one of them. Like, who were you trying to be at that moment in time? I never claimed to have my shit together, but I hate how I can read a post from years ago and remember the bad things that were going on in life at that time, even if I didn’t tell the Internet about it. Times where I was binge eating every night to the point of sickness, or when I discovered that my (now ex) husband was addicted to heroin, or when I was a stay-at-home-mom living in Louisiana and drank an entire bottle of wine every night, or when I was a malnourished vegan and blogged about every morsel of food that crossed my lips.
I’ve had an alright life, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve had a really fucked up life, too. It’s all good now because I have arrived at a place where I truly believe I would not be who I am today without all this shit under my belt, and I pretty much like who I am today. I’m still working on it, but if I had to rate my self-love on a scale of 1 (hate) to 10 (all the love), I’d definitely say I’m at a solid 7. I spent most of my life at like a 2, so I’m moving in the right direction.
I guess with this blog I am wanting to accomplish two things:
- Provide myself with a creative outlet. I love to write… always have, always will. I just haven’t made it a priority, and that’s a shame. I’m into making self-care a priority these days, so last week I made a list of the things that make me feel cared for: Breakfast dates, slow mornings, cooking with my best friend, writing, walks in nature, podcasts, pedicures, aimlessly wandering around Target, snuggling with my boys on the couch, watching a thunderstorm, slowly sipping a heavy pour of wine or over-priced latte, drinks with friends on a patio, uninterrupted yoga… stuff that makes my heart happy. So here we are. This is me, caring for myself, one word at a time.
- Connect with people on a level that matters. I kind of loathe the Internet and social media in a way. A few key search words and anything we could ever want to know or learn or see is right there, illuminating our faces with an agitating glow. And social media is a different kind of evil, a shield of perfection we put up to say, Hey, world! It’s all good! Everything is great. I’m great. My kids are great. My job is great. I, in fact, have my shit together. See!? Look at these new shoes I just posted a picture of. Talk about living the American Dream… My hope is that people will read what I write here and be able to relate to it somehow on a deeper level. Because life is beautiful and stuff, but it is so, so messy. I really love knowing I am not alone in that mess.
Maybe this blog will actually stick, number six. I’ll peel back the layers and let it all hang out, the good, the bad, and everything in between.
Thanks for reading.