One of the the main things that held me back during my previous attempts at eating intuitively was a fear of what my body would look like if I stopped trying to control it. Food restriction and rigid workouts have been a big part of my life for pretty much all my life, and the thought of letting go and just flowing with my body terrified me. I probably tried intuitive eating four or five times before everything finally clicked for me, and that click did not happen overnight. It has been a gradual process, and truly letting go of any weight or body shape ideal I had for myself was the final piece that I think allowed things to come together the way they have.
How much I weigh has become the least interesting part of me. I take care of myself. I move my body. I eat satisfying foods. I now trust that my body will find the weight it needs to be.
This is a quote from an awesome post by Kylie that really hit home for me when I decided I was fed up with letting my fixation on the size of my body consume my life. There is so much freedom in those five simple sentences when you actually start to believe them. Sadly, the rules that are burned into our brain after years of dieting along with the constant messages we are exposed to multiple times a day about needing to control our weight and restrict our eating and look a certain way make it almost impossible to trust ourselves. Without the rules and the “clean” food and the structured workouts and social media reminding us that, holy fuck, bikini season is here ARE YOU READY OHMYGOD!?, we become so tightly wound we forget what it’s like to let ourselves make decisions and call the shots. We forget what is important. (Hint: whether you have cellulite on your thighs or not doesn’t matter!).
Once I peeled back all those layers and sorted through the bullshit and realized that gaining weight would not be the worst thing in the world, that the people that matter in my life will love me no matter what I look like, that no one (including myself) gives a flying fuck how many pull-ups I can (or can’t) do, that the world does in fact keep spinning if I can’t afford organic produce, that there is magic in sharing a lazy weekend breakfast of sugar- and refined flour-laden donuts with my sweet boys without guilt or shame or worry, that I am allowed to take care of myself in ways that feel good, that I don’t ever have to weigh myself again in this life if I don’t want to, that I have so much greatness to give this world that has nothing to do with the size or shape of my ass, that I am smart and funny and quirky and lovable and kind and dependable and caring and loyal and a damn good Mom… I felt free.
Letting all the ridiculous expectations I put on myself go and deciding to become friends with my body and stop trying to control it was the best decision I have ever made.
Related posts that helped me stop dieting and accept my body: